the self

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:52 pm by Administrator

over the years, i have wondered whether the point of the spiritual journey is to find myself, lose myself, or hold myself. i’ve come to no conclusion. but i can tell you that in saying these goodbyes to so many people that have mattered to me through the years, i have a felt a little of it all.

after all, i found something of myself, in the fourteen years i was here. i discovered the side of me that could lead. i discovered the side of me that could change my mind, profoundly and without regret. i discovered the side of me that could fight, and i discovered the side of me that could surrender. there were all these sides to me, and i didn’t know who they were until i was put to the test and they were forced into being.

i lost myself too. i lost the side of me that was convinced that belief is the way that one must navigate life. i lost the thing in me that i once considered the most important part of my identity. i moved on from communities and friends that couldn’t accept where i was going, and because i lost them, i lost myself too. i lost myself in work, in grief, and in the moment, and in a way i’ve grown accustomed to losing myself, and because of this i no longer need to know where i am or where i am going anymore.

i have learned to hold myself these past few years. i’ve learned to be kind to myself, though i am not as kind as i ought to be. i’ve learned to hold my strongest feelings, to scrutinize them as they burn at my insides, to bear with them until the pain of their being passes and leaves me alone, without a purpose. i can be something other than what i feel, i have learned. i can be aware of what i am.

this is the last entry i will write before i leave this city and start again. today i think of one of the last patients i said goodbye to, a middle aged black woman who journeyed with me through the dark times of the pandemic and allowed me to share my gift with her. on our last day together, she spoke truth to my soul, and then she held me in her arms, and i tell you i lost myself in that embrace. i don’t know what’s coming next for me, but i gave this moment before me everything that i had, and i can’t tell whether this feeling is joy or heartbreaking sadness, but i’m holding it as steady as i can, for all of its weight and fury. it is taking everything in my being to hold it up, to hold it up, as if it were my life itself and all that will become of me

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