08.19.22

just write something

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:59 pm by Administrator

just write something, i tell myself.

for two straight weeks, i have woken up in a place that reminds me that i am not where i was. every day there has been something unexpected; every day there has been something urgent to attend to. when i drive somewhere, the world beyond the windows crowds in and overtakes my senses. i can’t get a hold of it all. these are moments that portend decades, experiences so unusual that they make me feel profoundly inexperienced. i am looking for the familiar, to ground myself, and yet i know that the center that i seek is a delusion of the ego. it always has been.

i have been inclined to make many deterministic statements that are possibly not true. it will be difficult here to make friends. i will not like the weather. the house will be difficult to maintain. the kids will struggle to adapt. life will not be as good. the ego that i live with is a pessimist; he always has been. in fact, this move and all its attendant troubles have brought his nature into exquisite focus. he expects trouble and finds it. he reacts to trouble by seeking control. he seeks control through competition and conquest. his fuel is anger, and his karma is revenge. ultimately, he does not care how or why vengeance takes shape, because he is perfected in vengeance. vengeance, self-revelation, and justice—these are intertwined, and they are the fibers of the cords of the muscles that work the machine of my mind into a vessel of identity and of destruction.

i have held him but unsuccessfully; he has slipped through and out of my fingers, like a writhing massive wet fish in my little hands. nevertheless, i grab hold again. he has no words for me, nor i for him. we have lived too long, have done this dance for too many years, for us to spare any energy or time on that kind of communication. the only thing we have for each other is commitment: the commitment to live, to carry the other, to coexist.

just write something, i tell myself. i hold the words that spill out of my mouth, and i lay them down here, like type that is set into the frame, to be pressed into the page

08.01.22

the self

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:52 pm by Administrator

over the years, i have wondered whether the point of the spiritual journey is to find myself, lose myself, or hold myself. i’ve come to no conclusion. but i can tell you that in saying these goodbyes to so many people that have mattered to me through the years, i have a felt a little of it all.

after all, i found something of myself, in the fourteen years i was here. i discovered the side of me that could lead. i discovered the side of me that could change my mind, profoundly and without regret. i discovered the side of me that could fight, and i discovered the side of me that could surrender. there were all these sides to me, and i didn’t know who they were until i was put to the test and they were forced into being.

i lost myself too. i lost the side of me that was convinced that belief is the way that one must navigate life. i lost the thing in me that i once considered the most important part of my identity. i moved on from communities and friends that couldn’t accept where i was going, and because i lost them, i lost myself too. i lost myself in work, in grief, and in the moment, and in a way i’ve grown accustomed to losing myself, and because of this i no longer need to know where i am or where i am going anymore.

i have learned to hold myself these past few years. i’ve learned to be kind to myself, though i am not as kind as i ought to be. i’ve learned to hold my strongest feelings, to scrutinize them as they burn at my insides, to bear with them until the pain of their being passes and leaves me alone, without a purpose. i can be something other than what i feel, i have learned. i can be aware of what i am.

this is the last entry i will write before i leave this city and start again. today i think of one of the last patients i said goodbye to, a middle aged black woman who journeyed with me through the dark times of the pandemic and allowed me to share my gift with her. on our last day together, she spoke truth to my soul, and then she held me in her arms, and i tell you i lost myself in that embrace. i don’t know what’s coming next for me, but i gave this moment before me everything that i had, and i can’t tell whether this feeling is joy or heartbreaking sadness, but i’m holding it as steady as i can, for all of its weight and fury. it is taking everything in my being to hold it up, to hold it up, as if it were my life itself and all that will become of me