04.19.14

the hole

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:16 am by Administrator

there is someone in my life who is going through a terribly difficult phase right now. i won’t get into specifics, but it’s an unusual kind of struggle. there’s a part of me that wants to create distance—physical separation for sure, but also emotional distance. and it is easy to create emotional distance, because i can impose logic on the situation. logic is about identifying the mistake; it’s about proposing the best solution; it’s about achieving an outcome that resolves the struggle. empathy is a harder way to go, because empathy raises the possibility that i will not only lose the objectivity of distance but also any clear idea of how i can help.

but here’s the thing i understand. in some situations, i cannot help unless i first empathize. and in this situation, i cannot empathize unless i access that place where i once was, where there was no one who could help me, and where there was nothing to live for. i call it the hole. at one time in my life, God dug that hole in me. it is there, forever.

it was almost four years ago when i fell into that hole. i did not get out of it by clawing my way out. i got out of it by releasing my hold on the things i once believed in. i let go and i fell all the way in—and strangely, i fell all the way out. it was in fact a bottomless hole, and on the other side of it was a different kind of life. i never would have known it if i had not let go.

for men like me, submitting to failure is the beginning. embracing that failure at first signifies an utter futility; but later, one realizes that futility is a borrowed idea. none of us were born to fail; we simply inherited an arbitrary idea of success. thus, to admit failure or success is more or less the same thing. it is the way we navigate life. our story, in the end, is written by someone else.

in those days, i named God the One “who takes the death out of my life”. in that time, He made it clear to me that He will not share me with anything else in this world—not a job, not a woman, not a nation, not an ideal. He’ll have me completely, or no one will have me at all. this is the price of His love. i accepted that price, and i got the better end. even now, as i stand at the edge of that hole that ate me from within, i look into my life and see a great emptiness in all of it. it is all empty, except for the things that God has placed there

Leave a Comment